As much as possible I want to pour into this blog as much of my feelings and thoughts as possible without injecting negativity or poisoning anyone else's situation. I want this to be an avenue that leads others and myself down a path of healing and progress, not into bitterness and despair. I also want to maintain the integrity of what it is like when we experience this level of betrayal, not sugarcoating the truth, standing in solidarity with everyone else who has had these wounds inflicted on them. It is a disservice, I believe, to present anything other than the truth. To make any attempt at minimizing the pain, anger, powerlessness, disappointment, mistrust, and sorrow that often accompany these grave offenses is a violation and adds to the injury.
So here in the United States of America, and in many other places I am sure, it has become a common place occurrence to hear of couples who are experiencing infidelity in their relationships. Far too often I have heard others share their experiences of infidelity within marriage and for the most part the story doesn't end well. You can imagine my feelings of loneliness exploding as I took in the cavalier way people seem to excuse this behavior as normal and as something to be expected, acknowledged and then used as a weapon in divorce court. I was angry, of course, however what I wanted then and even now, was an opportunity for restoration. I did not want to see my best friend suffer through negative consequences, I wanted to see him healed and return to the loving fun kind man I had known for more than half of our lives. I grieved the loss of my husband the same way I grieved the loss of my father just a year and a half earlier, in a strong silence, with punctuations of carefully controlled rage that seethed beneath the surface, ready to devour myself and everyone else if given half a chance. I worked furiously to maintain a somewhat normal life for our children and maintain some semblance of health for my unborn child who was wreaking all kinds of internal havoc. I was a few days after Christmas and my husband of almost ten years was telling me he was "interested" in another woman. I sat in shock, looking at this man whom I had loved since I was a teenager, my very best friend in the entire world, the only person who knew me inside and out, the one who I slept every night next to and I screamed. Long guttural cries burst from my lips and then I stopped as suddenly as I started I stopped, and I asked if he was divorcing me. He said and I will never forget this, "I think I love her, and I don't love you anymore. I feel more for her than I ever felt for you". I looked him dead in the eye and told him he was a liar and we would be getting counseling because something had been wrong for a long time and this woman wasn't it, but whatever it was we were going to fight it together and save our family. He laughed and said he would continue to be a good father and we would meet with our pastor but he was tired of trying.
....I have known this man since we were 14/15 years old , I am talking twenty years of holding his dreams in my heart, comforting him in his pains, and sharing our deepest secrets with each other. This was the same man who held me when I watched my father take his last breath, who had come everyday and helped me take care of him , did his laundry and loved him as I did, feeling his passing intensely. This was the same man who had asked me to renew our wedding vows and with whom I was expecting our fifth child. I knew him inside and out and I had been expecting something but not this, never this. As I look back now I see I probably should have put him out right away but I was determined to give everything. I am not the most humble of folks and I knew that this grated with him, I never realized he believed I thought him unworthy and incapable of being the husband I wanted and needed. My arrogance and pride had driven a wedge between us, and his insecurities had allowed room for someone else to creep in and plant seeds of discontent. I had no idea how bad it was, and no one could convince me that this marriage was not worth saving,or that it would not be restored. I trusted in the love we had to hold us together while we worked on whatever we needed to fix things. I was very naïve, and foolish to say the least. In the coming months I would be subject to numerous instances of disrespect, lies, theft, and astounding levels of indifference in regards to our children. I still have a hard time with accepting that he is no longer that great dad who loved his children above everything, and would have died for them, no question. Everyday I pray that my husband will find peace and turn to God for his salvation and healing, I still desire my family to be whole however I am learning to live my life as it stands now.
In the coming days and weeks I will be sharing more of my story and answering questions that are emailed to me. I want to use the situations I have been through as teaching tools so that no one else has to suffer like I have if possible.
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